I haven’t blogged about deployment at all, to be honest I don’t even really talk about it to my family and friends all that much. About 90% of the time I’m fine but at the same time it’s always a thing. He’s always not here, it’s always in the back of my mind. Recently I read this article and realized that being a married single mom is totally a thing, a thing that happens to apply to me. My husband left half way through my pregnancy and got to come home for about 3 weeks after she was born to which I realize I’m luckier than a lot of military wives. However, he won’t be home for good until sometime this summer which means for over half of the first year of her life I have been/will be a single mom even though I’m married.
Before I go any farther let me just say that I realize just how incredibly blessed I am! He’s deployed to a place where I’m not constantly worried about his safety and technology allows us to talk daily and FaceTime often. I’m thankful that I get to stay home, I have friends who can’t but would love to. I’m thankful that I don’t have to financially support myself like a single mom does (seriously single mom’s are amazing). I have my family and friends here to support me. My mom spends the night almost every weekend to help out. My dad comes over to help with things I can’t do like mow the yard. And they watch Cora Beth on Tuesday nights so I can go to bible study (you’ll never know how grateful I am for you both). But motherhood is hard no matter the circumstances and sometimes deployment just defeats me.
Last Wednesday was one of those days.
My mom had a cold and wasn’t able to watch Cora Beth so I had brought her to bible study with me the night before.
I went to bed later than I should have.
Cora Beth got up earlier than I thought she would.
I was dreading her shots at her 4 month checkup that afternoon.
Lady broke Cora Beth’s new teething toy (don’t ask).
Errands needed to be ran.
I had a million things going on in my mind that I just couldn’t shut off.
I started to really feel the emotional weight of not having my 2 baby free hours that week. By the time we got to the doctor’s office that afternoon I was mentally exhausted.
After calming my sweet girl down after her shots we got back into the car to go home and I realized it was 3pm and I hadn’t eaten since breakfast.
I broke down and cried. It was a long time coming to be honest. I don’t think I had had a really good cry since my husband went back to his deployment in December. And in that moment I just wanted one of two things: to just hug my husband and be able to go on a date (our last one was in August!) or to go to Target and be completely by myself for just an hour. I cried all the way to chick-fil-a and then I felt so much better, still exhausted but better. Isn’t funny how crying can do that?
I already knew one day when I would become a mom it would be hard. Motherhood is the best and hardest thing I’ve ever done. But doing it alone, even if it’s just for a season makes it a million times harder. I love Cora Beth with a fierce love I never knew I could love and she’s such a joy and a happy baby but I think every mom agrees that sometimes they just need a break. Every now and then the reality that I’m currently a single parent hits me. And this mama is tired y’all.
We are finally approaching the home stretch of this deployment though! I never imagined I’d be able to do some of things I’ve had to do. I’m so much more appreciative of my husband and all that he does when he’s home (and when he’s not). But I’m ready for this season to be over. I’m ready to make memories together as a family and to go on dates and to have him to kiss goodnight. To be a co-parent. I will say God has pour His grace and comfort out on us, I know I couldn’t do any of this relaying on my own strength. I’m thankful that because of Him I’m never alone. But for this season I am a married single mom and I’m tired and it feels good to just say it out loud.
Thanks for letting me write my heart and mamas you’re in my prayers whether you’re married, single or married single!